Helen Thomas Named New BP Spokesperson

From The Huffington Post

GULF OF MEXICO (The Borowitz Report) - In an effort to lift the burden of talking to the press from the shoulders of CEO Tony Hayward, BP today named veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas its new spokesperson, effective immediately.

Ms. Thomas came out swinging in her first appearance today, lashing out at the fish that have been affected by the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

"I'm tired of all of these bellyaching fish," she said. "If they don't like it in the Gulf, why don't they go back to wherever they were hatched. They can swim, can't they?"

One BP source acknowledged that Ms. Thomas' first appearance was "a little rough around the edges," but added, "She still did a better job than Tony."